"Now you'll see why you don't mess with the King of All Goblins!"
Goblin hierarchy is a simple thing: the biggest goblin is the leader. Though the title of “King,” “Queen,” or “Monarch” might be a stretch, there can be no doubt that these larger goblins can pose a serious threat to even seasoned adventurers. Goblins rule through simple tyranny and by bullying smaller goblins. Splig, by virtue of being the biggest goblin, is always the leader. And because he is the leader, he gets all the food. And because he gets all the food, he's the biggest goblin. Splig likes the way this works!
Splig, the self-styled “King of All Goblins,” is one such goblin. Taller than his minions by several heads, and several hundred pounds heavier, Splig embodies the two major virtues of goblin-kind: cowardice and avarice. Using his large size and brutal demeanor, he intimidates his goblin lackeys into running headlong into readied enemy weapons, and he has even been known to grab one to use as a living shield when an adventurer’s blade comes too close. Should things even hint at going badly, he quickly retreats—all the while calling for his minions to keep fighting to the end.
Like many goblins, Splig harbors grand ambitions that far surpass his worldly ability. Forever wandering from county to county and from cave hideout to cave hideout, he has never wanted for absurd schemes to gain gold and power. Splig often serves as discreet muscle for necromancers and dark wizards who do not wish to draw the attention of the holy warriors of Kellos; he usually accepts such jobs in hopes of stealing whatever he can and quietly slipping out the back when adventurers inevitably show up.
The Goblin Problem
Adventurers traveling from Goldhall in Allerfeldt stopped at a quaint roadside inn as the sun dipped low enough that travel became impractical. They'd only just tucked in to a modest supper when a haggard man burst through the door, clutching a dark stain on the arm of his tunic. "Goblins," he gasped, sagging heavily against the side of the table. "On the road. Dozens. One of 'em says he's a king."
The party of adventurers jumped to action, running out of the inn to find a goblin raiding party advancing down the road. They fought off the foul things and their Bandit and Ogre allies, pressing forward to reach this supposed 'goblin king'. In a show of coordination, perhaps more dumb luck than tactical planning, the goblins encircled the heroes. The party hacked and slashed through the swarming creatures till they reached their encampment.
There they met in battle with Splig, who made sure to announce his title as the king of all goblins. Unimpressed, the heroes cut down Splig's lackeys, advancing on the cowardly 'king'. "This place isn't worth raiding anyway!" Splig shouted as he turned tail. "Back to the mine, boys!"
Thinking better of pursuing him at the late hour (far worse things than goblins come out at night), the party of heroes returned to Goldhall, hopeful that a reward would be awaiting them.
Rise of All Goblins
An adventuring party received a note scrawled in large unpracticed letters under their door at an inn. It read: "Hey stupid heroes! Everything is terrible! The Lair of All Goblins has been overrun by wicked things that dumb heroes like you always fight. You must come here to beat them up and break their things to stop the unthinkable: the end of all goblins! You obviously don't know where the Lair of All Goblins is so I drew a map. Don't lose it! Your fearsome master, Splig, King of All Goblins."
The map was rough, but legible, leading the heroes to the Parigreth Ruins. Having nothing better to do, they gathered their gear and departed. At Splig's request, goblins of all tribes were gathering in the foothills of Tamalir. The heroes realized that Splig was using the lie of 'the end of all goblins' as a ruse to unify the tribes under his rule. It was only a matter of time before those goblin camps turned into goblin raids.
High on a hill, an ancient fort was alive with the ruckus of the goblin tribes. Dozens of banners had been shoddily hoisted in the air, marking out the various camps. The larger banners were closer to the fortress; as it is with all things goblin, the bigger, the better. The heroes infiltrated deep into the camp before they were spotted, thanks to the endless party raging around them.
Many of the tribes fled at the sight of conflict, but those closest to the fort stood their ground. They were the largest and oldest tribes - tribes that, if united, could lay waste to the baronies of Terrinoth. As battle horns sounded, the heroes sprinted for the fortress, intent on disrupting Splig's scheme.
The adventurers fought through the hordes of goblins, tearing down their banners so that the enemy fled in terror. Inside the fortress, the strongest of the tribes defended the throne room, but they too fell to the heroes' onsalught. Splig, king of all goblins, sat on his throne, an enormous pile of stones with the largest boulder on top. "So you're the cause of this disruption," he called out, "I should have guessed." He adjusted himself on the boulder, trying to get comfortable. Under his great weight, the entire pile shifted, bringing him a few inches lower. He didn't seem to notice.
"I'd tell you to leave, but the time has come for the kingdom of all goblins to take a stand against the injustices imposed by your kind." He stood, causing his dais to resettle another few inches lower. "From this hour forth, let it be known that the end of all goblins is no more - a new age has dawned. The rise of all goblins is now!" he bellowed, deftly leaping upon his throne for effect. His subjects roared their approval and brandished their weapons.
But the boulder was no longer stable, and Splig, king of all goblins, toppled forward and down. He neither bounced nor rolled as he descended the tower of stones, but managed something closer to a sloshing tumble. Inexplicably, he landed on his feet. "Well?" he screamed as he regained his balance, "To me, my brethren! The trap is sprung!"
His command rang hollow as it echoed through the hall. His few remaining servants lept to his side, but not a single goblin answered. The heroes tossed the bloody banners at his feet. He took a step back, growing pale. "Very well, just me and you then... prepare yourselves, oppressors of all goblins!"
The fight was quick, as the heroes defeated Splig in his throne room. "Not again!" he screamed. "How many times must I be foiled? How many ages must I wait?" He whipped his club toward one of the hero's heads. They ducked to the side, but in that moment, Splig sprinted for the exit. By the time the heroes rushed from his fortress, he was nothing but a speck disappearing over a far hill. Although someday they hoped to terminate his ambitions permanently, for now it was enough that the tribes were scattered and that Splig, King of All Goblins, was vanquished.
Upon their return to the inn, the heroes coaxed their bruised bodies up the stairs to their rooms. Inside, they found another note. The script was strange and familiar: "Hey stupid heroes, this is why no one likes you. I ask for help and instead you beat up my subjects and break my things. You were supposed to STOP the End of ALl Goblins, not make it worse! For this, you shall be punished. Surrender your wealth, food, and selves, or the next time we meet, I won't be so nice. Your REALLY fearsome master, Splig, King of All Goblins."
References
- Realms of Terrinoth
- Descent: Journeys in the Dark (Second Edition)
- Descent: Journeys in the Dark (Second Edition): Rise of All Goblins
- Heroes of Terrinoth